Fun Facts from Fanta

Fun Fact re: Sports

2006-02-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

Fun Fact re: NBA Players

2006-02-20T00:10:00.000-05:00

My mother and Li'l Brother were visiting this last weekend, and we stayed in on Sunday night because it was too cold outside and because Li'l Brother wanted to watch the NBA All Star Game. At the beginning, with much fanfare, the players for each team were introduced. They processed out onto some kind of lighted pedestals while the Houston Symphony played Crazy Train. As they stood there in a sort of formation, I thought they sort of looked like they were about to do a dance...

Me: (gasp) Are they going to dance?!?
Li'l Brother: (scoff) No, Fanta, they're not going to dance. Those are the players!
Me: (hurt) Well yes Li'l Brother I know those are the players but you have to admit, they look a little bit like they're about to do a dance.
Li'l Brother: (rolls eyes to indicate how stupid I am)

Moments later, from behind the players, arise MORE players, who I learn are called "starters" Once they have risen all the way, they...do...a...dance.

Thank you.

and

In the twenty minutes I managed to stay awake for the NBA All Star Game, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I made an uninformed post below. Some of those NBA players are not bad looking and all so tall...maybe I would like to pull me one.

To the gym!

**In this post, Fanta has learned how to make italics

Fun Fact re: Exercise

2006-02-19T03:26:00.000-05:00

Someone recommended that I download a song called The New Workout Plan by Kanye West for listening to at the gym. Kanye tells me at the beginning of this song:

Ladies, if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you a rapper, a NBA player, man at least a dude with a car!

I hope that provides you all with motivation too. I, for one, have been dreaming for years about pulling me a NBA player.

Fun Fact re: The Weather

2006-02-19T03:22:00.000-05:00

I generally keep a glass of water next to my bed on my window sill. I generally keep my window cracked to provide fresh air and because my heater is too hot. This morning I tried to take a drink of water and found that my water was frozen solid.

And

2006-01-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

I hear a familiar/surprising voice coming from Li'l Brother's bedroom...

Me: Li'l Brother, are you listening to Chris Cornell?!

Li'l Brother: (scoff) No. Who's that?

Me: Never mind. Who ARE you listening to?

Li'l Brother: Audioslave. Don't you know anything?

The DMV and Me (a response)

2005-12-28T16:14:00.000-05:00

The DMV can sometimes be alright. But usually it's not.

Today I had to bring Li'l Brother to get his permit test. Our mother sent us off with a real birth certificate and a photocopied birth certificate and a school ID and a bag lunch and her best wishes. We were so prepared. Halfway through the approximately 12-minute drive to the DMV, I asked Li'l Brother to double check that he had everything, and we found ourselves to be missing the real birth certificate. I called home and sure enough our mother went outside and found it in the snow between our door and the driveway. She said "I'm sure you won't need it. Don't bother coming back for it."

When we arrived, we waited in a long line at the end of which we spoke to a woman with a bad cold and appallingly bad hair who told us that the photocopied birth certificate would not do (of course) and that we needed the real thing. She allowed Li'l Brother to begin taking his test while I drove home to get the real thing. When I returned 24 minutes later, we waited in another long line at the end of which we were handed a form and told to fill it out and then wait in a third line. We filled out the form (which required calling my mother to retrieve Li'l Brother's social security number) and got in the third line. I overheard the woman at the counter talking to a person ahead of us in line. She said something like "Where's your mom or dad?" With a sinking heart I realized that maybe they would need a parent to be here. I confirmed this with a rude counter person. Li'l Brother and I brainstormed. Perhaps I could pretend I was his mother. The problem here would be that my name does not match the name in the "Mother" box on Li'l Brother's birth certificate, and also that one look at my ID would bring up questions about how I'd managed to have a child at the age of seven. Maybe we could tell them that our mother and father are in comas. That I am his only guardian... It sure would help if we had the same last name at least...

We gave up and I left Li'l Brother in line while I drove home AGAIN and handed the car off to our mom.

What a pain. Although maybe not entirely the fault of the DMV. I dunno though. That woman probably gave me her cold.

You asked for it (And here it is)

2005-11-06T18:41:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, in death he appears much smaller than when he was terrorizing my bedroom and my life. Dolyn suggests that this is because his soul has left him. Works for me. Seriously, though, check out those antlers!

An Adventure (not regarding Jerry)

2005-11-04T01:54:00.000-05:00

Lovelies, please indulge me while I make my first foray into daily-life-related blogging.

I recently acquired a dresser, and was rearranging my room to make space for it. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of clutter comes strolling THE HUGEST ROACH YOU HAVE EVER IMAGINED. Remarkably, I retained my composure, emitting merely a gasp. I went to the bathroom for the can of Raid, went back to my bedroom and sprayed the roach. Rather than die, he went NUTS (kills on contact?!). He ran so fast all over the place - across my bed, around in circles, out into the hallway (yes!), then immediately back into my bedroom (agh!), and finally into my closet. At this, I did not retain my composure. I screamed like a girl and hopped around and ran into the safety of my living room.

The roach had been stumbling a little bit while running around like crazy, so I thought maybe the Raid was killing him slowly. I consulted with my friend via IM. She is something of a roach expert, and she told me that Raid does not kill roaches. That they have developed an immunity to it and it just makes them angry. She told me that I needed to go back into my bedroom, find the roach, and kill him. She said if I did not do this, he would lay eggs (he?!) and I would wake up in the middle of some night soon with a giant roach on my face.

After two hours of catching my breath I decided I was ready to face the roach head on. I brought a broom (for poking around, not killing, because according to my friend a broom will not kill a roach. Even a brick will not kill a roach. Only a shoe grinding him into the floor will kill him.) I tiptoed into my bedroom to find that in my absence the roach had made his way out of my closet and into the middle of my bedroom floor, where he had sprawled himself on his back (a little dramatic I think) and died. Not so much of an expert after all, eh pal?

I poked him a little bit to make sure he wasn't going to wake back up. Then I photographed him next to a Q-Tip so I could prove his size to non-believers. Including his antlers, he was longer than the Q-tip (smaller insects have antennae - I know this - but this guy definitely had antlers). I scooped him up into a clear plastic bag which I set on my dresser. I looked at him for a while. I considered pinning him up in a little glass display case. I contemplated mailing him to someone. I settled on throwing him in the garbage.

Needless to say, in order to make sure there were no roaches near my bed or in my comforter and to better identify anything I might feel crawling on my body in the night, I slept with the light on.

and

In my new apartment there is a stereo in the bathroom. Taking a shower while listening to music is a really pleasant experience. Since I'm afraid to sing in the shower, I have taken to dancing. We're now taking bets on how long it will be until Fanta sprains her ankle or gets a concussion from boogying in a wet bathtub.

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHA (Fresca's my favorite)

2005-10-28T17:57:00.000-05:00

I spent the last week or two of September training in Jerry Gaul's new assistant, Fresca. Fresca and I hit it off grandly and are absolute pals. From the start of her training (oh man... imagine a movie-style training montage for Jerry Gaul assistanthood...I wish I'd thought of that earlier) Fresca was disgusted and overwhelmed with the job she had unwittingly taken on. Jerry had advertised the job as a psychiatry research assistant, so Fresca was really surprised when she learned that the work she'd be doing would have nothing to do with psychiatry. But she squared her jaw and did her best.

I learned today, however, that Fresca has found a new job and has abruptly quit, leaving Jerry temporarily assistantless! Who will check the mail?! Where is his insurance inormation?! There's a lightbulb out in the dining room!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I love Fresca.

and

Quick fun fact - Jerry's cabinets are filled with 1/3-full rolls of toilet paper and paper towels. This is because he has instructed Janet the house cleaner to replace them when they get down below half full. The reason for this, Jane has explained to me, is that if Janet cleans on Wednesday, and the toilet paper roll is at 1/3, there is a possibility that it will run out before Janet comes again on Friday. If that were to happen, Jerry would have to (GASP!) replace the roll himself.

epic final post still on its way...

It's Coming

2005-10-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

Oh sweet readers...are you even still there? It has been forever I know, but I have two explanations:

1. In September, my relationship with Jerry Gaul became nastier and nastier and it ended (it was mutual) in the first week of October with quite unpleasant feelings on both sides. These feelings were so unpleasant that I have been unable to really think about Jerry or my time there without feeling quite ill. I needed some time and some distance, but....

2. In this time, I have been cooking up a final, epic post. It's going to be long. It will make you laugh and cry. You will need to read it in two, even three sessions. Are you ready?

Oh, Jerry... (you never cease to amaze me)

2005-09-04T06:37:00.000-05:00

This week I worked on putting Jerry and Jane's home videos onto DVDs. This is done in such a way that the videos play on screen while they are copying. There was one video entitled "Newborn Emma in Jamaica." It opens with shots of newborn Emma sitting around being newborn, then Jerry starts filming their hotel room. He's moving around in a circle and stops at their dresser. He then does two things which are, respectively, disgusting and hillarious:

1. briefly films his shirtless self in the mirror over the dresser. chuckles to himself and grabs his gut and shakes it around a bit.

2. zooms in on the top of the dresser, from which he picks up a HUGE bag of i'm-sure-you-can-guess-what and holds it up proudly in front of the camera. Then he opens a dresser drawer and takes out another HUGE bag of i.s.y.c.g.w. and holds it up proudly too. It's a good thing they had a nanny and were not actually responsible for the care of their own child while on this vacation.

Fury (also rage)

2005-08-28T09:27:00.000-05:00

It is currently Sunday morning. That means last night was Saturday night. That means currently I should be sleeping.

Today at 2pm, Jenny the Babysitter was scheduled to arrive from the Hamptons in the rental vehicle with the first load of stuff to unpack. I was scheduled to help her unload the rental vehicle and re-unpack the boxes. (Yes, they're coming home soon. Shoot me.) I was awoken by a call from Jenny the Babysitter at 10am saying she will be at Jerry Gaul's house in 20 minutes.

Untitled (for now)

2005-08-24T00:47:00.000-05:00

Fact: My hours while Jerry Gaul and fam are in the Hamptons are Monday through Friday, 12-6.

A voicemail received at 8:30 pm on Thursday:
"Hi Fanta, it's Jerry. So our friends are driving out to visit us tomorrow (these are the so-not-snobby-they're-snobby friends). I have some things you need to give to them to bring to me. Tomorrow you need to go to my house (West Village) to pick up my office keys, go to my office (Upper East Side) and get the charts for two of my patients. One of them will be in the drawer in alphabetical order, and the other will be somewhere in my office or maybe at the house. Look under the couch? You then need to bring those back to my house (West Village again) and pack them up with some other things I need, then bring them over to our friends' apartment down the street. They're leaving at noon, so you have to get it to them by then.".

A voicemail received at 10:00 am Friday:
"Hi Fanta, it's Jerry. I forgot to tell you, we also need something to clean our laptop screen, because Emma's smudged it all up. So find and buy some screen cleaner and pack that up with the things I told you yesterday."

After waking up at the crack of dawn, frantically running around the city (in pouring rain, I'll have you know), finding and purchasing a screen-cleaning kit, and packing everything all up, I called the friends at 12:03 to let them know I was coming over. Mr. Nonsnob sounded irritated and said that they're running behind and that I shouldn't bring the stuff until 1.

Correction (and reminder)

2005-08-24T00:37:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to my attention recently that the puffer fish is not in fact named Puffer Fish. His name is Peter Rabit.

and

It has been brought to my attention that some of your comments, sweet friends, are not G-rated. Let us keep in mind that my mother, my baby sister, and a prominent journalist might be reading those comments.

A Treat!

2005-08-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

Here, on my delicate wrist, is the watch. (Refer to the post entitled Tidbits if you don't know about the watch)

So I Went to the Hamptons (and lived to tell the tale)

2005-08-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

As a reminder, the plan for Operation: Prepare Hamptons House was that Jenny the Babysitter and I would drive out to the house first thing Wednesday morning and stay until Thursday afternoon. As it turns out, Jerry made these plans without actually consulting Jenny the Babysitter. She wasn't available until 9pm on Wednesday night. No problem, though. We're strong young women. We don't need sleep.

By the time Jenny got to the apartment, almost everything was packed into boxes. While Jerry, Jane, and Emma ate pizza and watched TV, Jenny and I finished packing, loaded up the rental vehicle (a Ford Explorer) with countless very heavy boxes, and went over for the billionth time the list of things that needed to be accomplshed in the next 20 hours. Here, to the best of my recollection, is a copy of that list:

Unpack rental vehicle (in case you forgot - a Ford Explorer packed full with very heavy boxes). Unpack all boxes. Put clothes on hangers, books on shelves, etc.

Set up laptop computer and printer and make sure internet works.

Arrange for the garbage truck to come.

Learn how to use air conditioning. Set to freezing.

Learn how to use pool heater. Set to gross. "I like it really warm - like bath water."

Find/hire house cleaner.

Buy everything on gigantic grocery lists (one list for regular store, one for Citarella - you know, the store where the giant shrimps come from). Bring home and put away groceries.

Get beach pass from city hall.

Go to specific store in completely different town. Buy three kinds of bird seed and a suet cake (what?!). Fill bird feeders. Make large batch of sugar water for hummingbird feeder. Put some in hummingbird feeder.

Water plants in back yard.

Use pump to fill tires of all bicycles in garage.

Call pest control company to make sure that there is nothing in back yard that could harm Bernie. (Sadly, they reassured me that he's totally safe back there)

Jenny and I arrived at the house at 2:30 am and decided we'd rather stay up late than get up early. So we unpacked all the very heavy boxes and set out to the all night grocery store. While the night staff loaded up a cart with 30 cases of Diet Coke (they were less than thrilled), we filled our cart to overflowing. We placed a bet on how much the total would be. I guessed $410, she guessed a more modest $350. The total came to $402. I totally won. But then, out of the blue, the cashier swipes a discount card and BOOM we're down to $329. Very tricky. And unfair.

Anyhow we slept about 4 hours and worked like crazy the next day. Then headed home, laughing wearily about our adventure and how much we hate our boss.

Tidbits (part deux)

2005-07-28T01:04:00.000-05:00

4 Days...

Jerry called me five times last night between the 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. He left me five voicemails full of things to do. He also asked me to call him back to go over these things. Fat chance, Jerry.

and

One of the voicemails informed me of this: Jerry has three really lovely and expensive terrariums on a long table in front of a window in his livingroom. Last night when carelessly lowering the shade on the window, he broke all three terrariums. HAHAHAHAHA. Ha. That made my night. Too bad he didn't break the $20,000 lamp he has on the table next to the terrariums.

and

To get Jerry ready for the Hamptons, I was asked to order from Amazon every CD ever made by the Beatles, Neil Young, and Peter, Paul and Mary.

and

Whenever one of Emma's friends has a birthday, his or her parents('s assistants) work really hard to outdo one another. Especially when it comes to invitations and goodie bags. Maria the Other Assistant made Emma's invitations in April. They were really really beautiful and involved textured paint splotches. The invitations are always super cute though. Jane gets a little huffy and says, "Yeah theirs are really cute, but not hand made!" or "Ohh see they made theirs too, but they're nothing compared to the work Maria did." Once Emma came home from a party with an especially extravagant goodie bag and Jane and I added it up and decided that it was easily a $25 goodie bag. There is one friend, however, whose parents are SO not into that rich snob thing that they're snobby about not being into the rich snob thing. They're very self righteous about not having a nanny around all the time, and that they don't spend all of August in the Hamptons like everyone else. Their son's birthday invitation came in the mail yesterday. And not only had they bought and filled in boring drug store style invitations, but they'd changed the party info and not even bought new invitations. They had actually crossed off the original date, time, and location, and written the new information on top.

The Hamptons (The Countdown Begins)

2005-07-28T00:06:00.000-05:00

In 8 days, Jerry, Jane, Emma, Bernie (thank God), and Jenny the Babysitter are going to a house in the Hamptons until Labor Day.

In order to park at the beaches in the Hamptons, you have to get a beach pass for your car. This consists of bringing in or mailing in your vehicle information and a check for $225 and being given a sticker. Since Jerry is renting a vehicle, he won't have his vehicle information until the day they leave, which means I can't get him the beach pass in advance which means he might have to do it...HIMSELF!

HOLD ON. This can't be. Jerry doesn't do things for himself, Fanta! What were you thinking? Jerry's solution, with some secret alterations of mine in parentheses, was that I would drive the rental vehicle (full of some friends) to the Hamptons a couple days before the family's scheduled departure, pick up the beach pass, (spend the day at the beach), and then bring home the newly beach-passed rental vehicle.

The actual plan, as I learned today, is this: Very early Wednesday morning Jenny the Babysitter and I are going to take the rental vehicle, full of all the family's clothes, toys, cameras (oh wait those were all stolen), laptop computer, Dragon Tales DVDs, History of Science books, and dog food to the house in the Hamptons. Once there, we will spend the entirety of Wednesday and most of Thursday (we're staying over!) unpacking the rental vehicle, putting their clothes in drawers/closets, buying groceries, setting up their internet, making sure all utilities are taken care of, making sure the pool is in order, and otherwise setting up the house. (and going to the beach?!? I don't even know this girl. I wonder if she's into smuggling friends along too...)

and

This is funny. There is a battle currently going on between Jerry Gaul and the owners of the house he's renting. (HA if they were proper rich people they'd have their own house right?) The battle has to do with the fact that The Owners did not have any chaise lounges by the pool. (**see note**) So Jerry told them either they have to get some, or he's going to get some and then reduce the amount he's going to pay for rent accordingly. He actually printed out pictures of some really fancy wood ones with cushions and mailed the pictures to Mr. and Mrs. Owner and told them that this is the kind of chaise lounge that he wants. He feels that the rental of a house with a pool should include four chaise lounges like these. Mr. and Mrs. Owner said that they would take care of the chairs. So Mrs. Owner recently sent a very friendly handwritten card saying that they have purchased four pool chairs even more expensive than the ones Jerry suggested and they'd really appreciate it if Jerry shared the cost of the chairs with them. She said that if he pays for half, he can own two of them and The Owners would very gladly "store" the chairs for him when he and his family are not using the house. Jerry was very angry. This over pool chairs?

**Note** Is it chaise lounge or chaise longue? Are they different things? Did Americans mess up the longue and then chair makers just went with it?

Tidbits

2005-07-25T22:26:00.000-05:00

I was playing with Emma on Saturday. We were playing pretend and we were swimming away from sharks, carefully stepping over snakes, and then we got on her bed and pretended it was a boat. She immediately made sure we were wearing our "life 'versers" and then suggested that we paddle the boat to our summer home.

and

The other day Jerry was on his cell phone with me while in the cab on the way home from work. He was still on the phone when he was paying the driver and I heard him ask for 12.50 in change. What?!

and

Jerry and Jane were about to leave to go to dinner on Saturday night when Jane stomps her foot and says, "I am not going if you're wearing that." She was referring to the watch Jerry was wearing. It was too tight for his wrist. The band was many colored striped, and the face was sort of like a daisy with petals all around the watch face. It was clearly intended for a child. A female child. He was also wearing my favorite of his shirts which I have yet to photograph.

and

Last night I was at Jerry's until 2:30 a.m. helping him write up a report on one of his patients. More on this later.

and

Even though I am the only person in the apartment for most of the day, I am not allowed to turn down the AC no matter how freezing cold I am because the fish might get too hot.

and

Jerry asked me to sign Emma up for the fall session of the Spanish play group she goes to. The name of the program is HOLA! and Jerry, my very educated and well-read boss, pronounces the H.

Ick (and the ich)

2005-07-18T20:09:00.000-05:00

New topic to research: fish dissection. I jokingly asked Jerry if he was planning on dissecting fish. He says yes. He wants some dissection books (recommended by experts, of course) and some dissection tools, and then when fish die from the ich (like they have been left and right) he's going to dissect them. With Emma. On the dining room table?! "You know, get out the microscope and stuff. I pretty much want to use it as a way to teach Emma medicine." If you're new or you've forgotten, Emma Gaul is three years old.

and

I was asked to baby-sit yesterday. i was told they'd be home all day but doing work and then might go out to dinner and a movie in the evening. I was told to get there at 10:00. I got there at 10:15 and nobody was up. So I made myself a pot of coffee and sat on the couch in the dark for half an hour while Bernie barked at me. Then i spent the entire day (almost 10 hours) doing absolutely nothing while Jane took care of Emma and Jerry napped/worked (not surprisingly, he snores like a lunatic). For a half an hour I napped too. I ordered myself lunch. I read the paper. I chatted with Steve the comptuer/budget guy about his relationship problems. For 5 minutes I played a Bumble Bee game with Emma, Steve, and Jane. At some point I ate half a cookie. Then I went home.

Shout Out

2005-07-12T10:15:00.000-05:00

My friend ameera! has posted many comments on my blog. You should all visit her blog about her ridiculous and sometimes Egyptian family:

kittiesarefunny.blogspot.com

So, Fanta, What Do You Actually Do All Day? (and Childrens Books)

2005-07-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

I just spent two hours updating and reformatting my four-page-long TO DO list. It was previously organized by topic (household, administrative, professional, etc) and is now, at Jerry's request, organized by due date. Here are some of the items on my TO DO list that you might find interesting.

Find exact location of Dinky Doos, the children's hair salon that recently sent Emma a postcard advertising "excellent collection of children's books and educational toys, free bubbles with every haircut, haircut certificates, and photos"

Remind Jerry to call his mother

Remind Jerry to make appointment for ultrasound

Generate list of every DVD put out by Discovery Channel and Animal Planet, especially Crocodile Hunter

(I don't think I've mentioned yet that Jerry has a thirst for knowledge and/or a thirst for an impressive library. A lot of my to-do list involves helping him know what books to get to learn about all the things he wants to learn about.)

Get in touch with Japanese authors of eel articles and find out if they've written any eel books or could recommend any good eel books.

Develop system for organization/inventory in pantry and schedule for ordering groceries. The system should result in there never being too little or too much of anything, but must be designed in such a way that disorganized/flaky Jane thinks she's doing it herself. (There are huge brawls when Jane does not order the groceries correctly and there is too much Tide or the household runs out of Diet Coke. Jerry is madly addicted to Diet Coke. They order 10 12-packs per week. Jerry brings 10 cans with him to work every day. He often opens a can, sets it down, forgets about it, and opens another one 5 minutes later.)

Contact experts in the following fields and get book recommendations:
Marine Biology
Ichthyology (fish-ology, essentially)
Fish disease
Water filtration
THE HISTORY OF SCIENCE
The hisory of natural history
The history of diving
Orchids
Terrariums
Beef
Zoology

Weirdly enough there is a History of Science department at Harvard. I've been asked to print out the syllabus from every class in the department and highlight the reading list for each.

Generate list of all film and theater reviews from the last 5 years from the following publications:
New Yorker
The Village Voice
The NY Observer
The NY Times

Generate list of all book reviews from the last 5 years from the following sections of the Times Literary Supplement:
Psychology
Natural History
Science
Philosophy

Organize every cabinet and drawer in the entire apartment

Daily - turn on all lights in house and make sure lightbulbs work. Change lightbulbs when necessary. "You're handy enough to use a ladder for those high ones right?"

Make restaurant reservations/order theater tickets so that every Tuesday and Saturday night there is a play or a dinner. Dinners must be at the hardest places in the city to get reservations at. Theater tickets must be in the third row in the center. I must check every single Tuesday night for each play. If there are no third row center seats available, he will settle for second row center. (FYI third row center theater tickets cost about $150 each. Three out of four times Jerry and Jane don't go)

Order Bose Acoustic Wave CD player for use on beach in Hamptons. (look this product up on the internet to see why this might be funny)

Make sure cup on kitchen counter and cup on desk have 6 blue pens and 6 black pens and nothing else in them at all times.

Look into ordering all aquarium supplies including chemicals, medication, and frozen prawns wholesale from the internet because it turns out the aquarium maintenance/tropical fish guys have been ripping us off. Giant shrimp will continue to come from Citarella (a gourmet grocery store. The shrimp for the eel are more expensive than shrimp I buy for myself. Speaking of which, Zebra Eel ate some shrimp the other day. I guess he got hungry finally. Giant Monster Eel is probably still full from eating the face of the flat silver fish. Also I was wrong about his name. The giant monster eel is named Frankenstein, not Darwin. Darwin was a tropical fish who recently died from a disease called The Ick, sometimes spelled The Ich)

and

One of Maria the Other Assistant's duties is to keep Emma's books organized. Jerry and Emma's books are on a lovely full-wall bookshelf that is tall enough that it's got one of those rolly ladders on it. Jane's books are not on it because when it got too full Jerry cleaned it off, meaning he took off all of her books, let me and Ray the Dog Walker/Fish Feeder take whatever we wanted, and then put the rest in a box in the basement storage space. Emma's books are organized by topic. Every book has a little colored dot sticker with a number on it indicating which section it belongs in. Some examples of sections are: Mother Goose, ABCs, bedtime, Spanish, animals. Within the animals section, the books are organized from least to most developed animal. It starts on the left with insects, followed by fish, amphibians and reptiles, birds, mammals, and at the end - a little counterintuitively - comes dinosaurs and dragons. You can imagine Maria sometimes has trouble knowing which section a book belongs in. "Jerry do Babbar books go under elephants or should they have a section to themselves with the other series?" I am glad this is not one of my jobs.

AAAHAHAHA! (the pets have gone crazy)

2005-06-28T00:44:00.000-05:00

This weekend the giant eel ate the face off one of the tropical fish. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Apparently Jerry and his fam came home from brunch on Saturday to find the giant eel looking full, the other fishes looking frantic, and half of a tropical fish floating around the tank. Jerry had to scoop it out and throw it away. Good thing it was only a $250 fish and not one of the $1,000 ones. (As an aside, I just learned that many of the fishes have names. Some have been named by Jerry, some have been named by Emma. See if you can tell which are which. The giant eel is named Darwin. The smaller eel is named Zebra Eel - refer to picture in previous post to see why this might be funny. There is one fish named Gumdrop. There is one named Captain Hook. There is one named Puffer Fish. There were six, and are now five, weird flat silvery ones who all swim around together. We can't tell them apart so they don't get names. Better that way anyhow, so we aren't too upset when they get bitten in half.)

and

One night last week, Bernie the dog was behaving especially badly because we were eating pork chops for dinner. He kept standing up and trying to get food off the table and we'd have to yell at him. I don't actually think he's smart enough to understand yelling - I feel like I'm yelling at a wall. So I only yell half heartedly, and he can tell. He looks at me and just keeps trying to get at the food. Here is an example of why he might be such a stupid dog: He stands up with his paws on the island in the kitchen, goes for Emma's leftover chicken. Jane yells, "BERNIE! OFF!" then puts the leftover chicken in Bernie's dish. What?!

and

Bernie was photographed this weekend by a really well known and expensive pet photographer (www.amandajones.com). I saw the proofs - they look like garbage. This woman's pictures are great, but even she couldn't do anything about the fact that Bernie is ugly and stupid.

The Eel(s)

2005-06-23T23:07:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the glare. I'm not much of a photographer. But you get the idea, and his glowing eye is pretty cool!

and

Insurance Fraud Part 2 (and how I got such good grades in college)

2005-06-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

Jerry Gaul asked me to file an insurance claim for the things that were stolen by the maid. He explained it to me like this: "The irreplaceable watch is worth $10,000. However, we only paid $5,000 for it. In order to get $10,000 from the insurance company, we're going to have to claim $20,000 worth of stuff." At this point I began to get suspicious. Jerry gave me a folder packed with receipts of things I was supposed to claim. Here are some, but not all, of what I'm putting on the list of things that were stolen:

Approximately 50 items of clothing, all Jerry's, including 7 of the exact same $265 sweater in various colors (two in black) and one $1,100 sweater. When I called the men's sportswear department at Bergdorf Goodman to have them look up his receipts, the salesperson said, "Oh Jerry Gaul, of course!!" I guess they know who he is. Remind me to take a picture of my favorite of Jerry's shirts.

Eight cameras and all of their accessories. The accessories include complicated underwater camera housings, strobes, lenses, batteries, and all twenty-five digital video tapes that are on the receipt dated 4/15/98. Four of the eight cameras are on a receipt dated two days after the theft reportedly took place. Last weekend Jerry went to the camera store to get them to change the date on the receipt. Last I heard he had abandoned that plan and was getting his friend at a camera store in the Cayman Islands to write up a receipt for those cameras.

Jewelry - including the irreplaceable watch, priced at $4,750, and a diamond ring. Jerry told me to put the diamond ring as $20,000, from Tiffany's, from the 1930s. He has no receipt, appraisal, or anything at all documenting the existence of this ring.

Aside from the mysterious camera receipt, I have all the insurance paperwork filled out, but there is one exciting step left. A police report must be filed. Filing a police report, if you've never done it, is way more fun than you think. I thought it just meant filling out a form, but in fact it means going to the actual police station and having an interview with an actual police officer and telling them what happened. This is, of course, going to be my job. I've been told to tell the police officer a short version of Insurance Fraud Part 1, and tell him that they immediately noticed the watch missing, and the digital camera, and over the next couple of weeks noticed that seven other cameras and three entire shopping trips worth of clothes were also missing. Clearly the maid, after urinating on a mop and pushing it all over the apartment (Jerry's hypothesis), loaded herself up with underwater photography equipment and 50 designer men's sweaters in size XXL and discreetly took them out to her car.

and

As part of an application for appointment to a teaching position at a hospital, Jerry was required to take an online course in Infection Control and Barrier Precautions. Here's how it all went down...

Me: OK Jerry I printed out the readings from the internet and I printed out a paper copy of the exam. Just do the reading, write your answers on the exam, and then I'll enter them in the computer for you and handle all the rest.

(An aside: Jerry is absolutely inept when it comes to computers. He cannot attach a file to an e-mail. He has no concept of how files/folders are organized. He is TERRIFIED of the internet. At the age of 42.)

Jerry: Ugh that's sure a lot of reading.

Me: Yeah, but I bet it's the kind of thing where you can just look at the exam questions and then skim the reading for the answers

Jerry: (chuckles) True. I bet you could even do it for me.

(Everyone laughs heartily)

Jerry: (serious) Actually yeah. Why don't you just take it for me, okay?

So on Monday I spent two hours taking a 20-question exam on topics like proper procedures for sterilizing medical instruments and confidentiality laws regarding health care workers who are HIV positive. I submitted my answers and got a 16/20. The minimum for passing is 80%. YES! So I sent my score to New York State and printed out a certificate that reads:

This certifies that Jerry R Gaul has successfully completed an approved course in Infection Control and Barrier Precautions as mandated by Chapter 786 of the Laws of 1992, on June 20, 2005. Approved by the New York State Education Department.

Insurance Fraud Part 1 (The Cleaners)

2005-06-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

Here's the insurance fraud back-story and a little bit more:

When Jerry Gaul hired me in February, my first task was to find them a housecleaning company. I tried to be politically correct and refer to the men and women who work for these companies as "housecleaners" but I soon learned that they are definitely always women, and I'm supposed to call them maids. Ok so I was looking for a maid service. I created an Excel spreadsheet with my top 5 choices, their quotes, and any comments I had. Two months later, Jerry decided which one he liked best. I called them, but they no longer had any maids available who could accomodate Jerry's cleaning demands (four times a week, as I've said). Jerry asked me to do some more research and create an entirely new Excel spreadsheet, which I did. A few weeks later he decided on another company, but the maids didn't show up when they were supposed to, the man in charge stopped returning Jerry's calls, and when I finally got ahold of him by calling on my cell phone, he referred to me as "Lady" and hung up on me. The third company we tried, we had better luck. The maid came on a Saturday to meet Jerry and to be shown the apartment and told what her responsibilities are. The family LOVED her. She was nice and English-speaking and a good cleaner. On her way home that day, she was....hit by a car. True story. We asked the company for another maid. The person they sent in replacement was AWFUL. Always on the phone, not a good cleaner, not very nice. Jerry called the boss on a Saturday to ask for a different cleaner. He said he couldn't get anyone new until the next Saturday, so Jerry said she should continue working until then, but asked that the boss not tell her she'd been fired until after she was all the way done and had turned her keys back in. Clearly this did not happen, because after her last day, the entire apartment smelled like urine and several things had been stolen including a digital camera and an irreplaceable watch. After that, Janet came, and she does a great job. She and I are buddies although I think it's a little funny that she's constantly showing off her work. She shows me how clean the closets are and brags about how fast she's cleaned today, and constantly reminds me that this is exactly how she cleans her own house, and she has three kids living there. Okay.
and

Today 3-year-old Emma Gaul was given a digital camera. It's a required supply for the art class she's taking.

The Eel (and the kiss)

2005-06-15T19:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday when the aquarium maintenance guys/bringers of tropical fish came by, they brought a new eel in a big bucket. This new eel is dark slimy green, about 4 feet long, and maybe 8 inches fat at its fattest. He's GIGANTIC. When I saw it I said, "Wow he could totally eat those other fish!" and the aquarium guy said, "Yeah he might actually eat the little red one...or maybe the black spotty one with the huge tooth." Those happen to be my two favorite fish. I really hope he doesn't eat them. On a related note, I was telling Ray the dog walker/fish feeder that I want to see the puffer fish puff. He told me he doesn't think puffer fishes actually puff at all and I might be getting it mixed up with a blowfish. I need to do a bit of research I think.

and

Jerry's daughter Emma is absolutely adorable, but is a little difficult and has never liked me very much. On one or two occasions she has offered to push the elevator button for me, but in general has been slow to warm up to me. Today I was leaving at the same time as Martha the nanny. Emma gave Martha a hug and a kiss and we were about to walk out the door when Emma yells, "WAIT!! I want to give Fanta a hug and a kiss too!!" Oh. Man. My life has tripled in worth. I did a little victory dance and then got down on my knees to accept my hug and kiss. Then I left in a fantastic mood. Batman, shmatman. I've got all the love i need right here in Jerry Gaul's $950,000 apartment.

The Fish (mostly the eel)

2005-06-11T03:42:00.000-05:00

Jerry Gaul has a giant aquarium in his apartment. It is a 1000-gallon aquarium. You need a step stool to look into the top of it. Inside it there are some tropical fish, one of which is apparently a puffer fish. I would really like to see it puff, but I'm not sure how to make that happen. Inside the aquarium there is also an eel. He is brown and white and maybe 18 inches long and so icky and cool looking. Until yesterday I'd never seen him properly because he is always hiding inside some fake coral/rocks.

Ray the dog walker got promoted to dog walker/fish feeder a couple months ago when the fish arrived. He takes a big block of tiny prawns out of the freezer, thaws them, and dumps them in for the fish to eat. The eel, however, is way too big for tiny prawns. According to Jerry, he eats big shrimps. Feeding the eel is trouble.

Here's how Jerry thinks it should work: Ray thaws some giant shrimps and cuts them into bite-sized pieces. He then uses one of those long plastic sticks with a grabber on the end to lower the pieces of shrimp to the eel who will i guess smell the shrimp and come out of hiding and eat it up.

Here's what usually happens: The eel stays in hiding, apparently unaware of the presence of the giant shrimp, and the other fish eat the giant shrimp. So the eel hasn't eaten in weeks, which Jane says is normal and okay for eels.

Here's what happens today: In the morning Jerry points out to Ray that the eel has been really active today, swimming all around instead of hiding all the time. This must mean he is so hungry and today is the day that he will eat some shrimp. The strategy is that Ray will feed the other fish so many tiny prawns that they will have no interest in the giant shrimps. He will also peel the giant shrimp, just in case the eel doesnt like those gross shrimp legs. When it comes to feeding time, I decide to watch/help because I want to see the eel eat the shrimp. So Ray thaws the shrimp, peels the shrimp, and cuts it into bite-sized pieces. He gets up on the step stool, grabs a piece with the grabber, lowers it into the tank, and BANG there are 4 tropical fish attacking it and grabbing it right out of the grabber. Ray yells at the fish, "You mother fuckers! Get the fuck out of the way!" And Jane yells at Ray, "If I hear Emma using that word you're going to be in trouble Ray!" (**see note**) He tries again - same thing. This is very frustrating because the eel is poking his head out JUST in the right place if only we could get the shrimp down to him without the other fish getting it. It gets to the point that there is just one piece of shrimp left. Our last shot. Ray grabs it with the grabber, and amazingly maneuvers it and drops it right next to the eel, but also sort of in the fake coral/rocks so the other fish can't get it. The piece of shrimp is less than an inch from the eel's head. He looks at it, looks at us like we are complete idiots, and turns around and swims away.

(**note**) Later in the evening, Jane and Emma and I are in the bedroom. Suddenly Jane realizes that she has four pans of chicken parm sitting on the counter and that Bernie is in the kitchen. She gasps and runs to the kitchen saying, "Shit shit shit shit shit shit" and Emma runs after her saying, "Shit shit shit shit shit shit."

The Cast of Characters (and the dog)

2005-06-10T22:17:00.000-05:00

Jerry has a huge crew of people running his life for him. They include, but are not limited to:

Regulars:
Me: the assistant
Maria: the other assistant
Martha: the nanny
Jenny: the baby-sitter
Ray: the dog walker/fish feeder
Janet: the house cleaner (4 times a week, friends)
Steve: the computer/budget guy

As needed:
Nate: the electronics guy
Jim: the contractor
Igor: the window cleaning guy
Min: the plants woman
Claudette: the groomer

Oh and i guess you should have family:
Jane Milner: the wife
Emma: the daughter (just turned 3)
Bernie: the dog

I cannot continue until I tell you how much I hate this dog. He's a poodle. A big, loud, stupid, ugly one. He barks like crazy...
Every time the elevator door opens
When anyone knocks on the door
When we open the door to someone, and continuously while we pay for/sign for whatever is being delivered and until the delivery person has gotten back on the elevator
When it rains
At balloons

He also will eat any item of food left unattended. Drags entire plates of dinner on to the floor. Apparently last night he ate two slices of pizza and a chicken cutlet. He also lays on top of my files and paperwork. And then he drools on them. I hate him.